Why do I even bother anymore

I had two dreams as a child. To have my own food stand and to have a normal family. Usually, I heard it said, children identify not with the other children they see in entertainment but with the adults because they want to be those adults as they grow up. I watched DBZ and I wanted to be Gohan. He was a cry baby and ‘soft’ but he had an inner strength and above all he had a stable loving family. I always saw my father as Goku, a childish but ultimately good man and my mother as Chichi a stern but motherly woman. I was just lying to myself, my father didn’t wasn’t loving otherwise he wouldn’t have threatened to leave so many times he would have abandoned us like he did a few times. My mother wasn’t stern from self confidence she struck out in rage against those that threatened her family. A noble thing to do but the wrong way to do it. Finally I wasn’t a shy boy with great inner strength despite being emotional I was just a loser. So when my life didn’t meet my expectations I tried to change things I tried to force them to live together in peace. If I was smart I would have manipulated them psychologically until they were better, if I was wise I would have known that their issues are for them to deal with and are not the responsibility of a child. I was neither smart nor wise, so here I am, no friends no motivation and no goals. All I do is survive and wander through life without caring were I end up. I trained myself to forget the people I meet because my family moved so much in my life that is how it seemed to me. I can’t open myself up to anyone because I’m either thinking on how I can help them or how to keep myself from being hurt by them. I’m tired and I wish I could sleep and dream forever but I already know that won’t fix anything. I used to Pune for an angel from God to fix my problems and loneliness but the heavens are silent. God or the Gods don’t move in our world only men do. So I am stuck here too weak to move forward too meek to bite the bullet too cowardly to admit my dream was sham too blind to see how to get better and too deaf to hear the answers to my pleas.

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