Something buried

"How much longer do I have to wait
How much more do I have to search
So that I can find
The light that I know is in me?
I have lived in solitude
Surrounded by many
I haven’t ever been in love
Because I don’t even love myself"
Danza de Fuego by Mago de Oz

This is gonna be hard to write, and I may have to respond to clarify some things. I’ve never been good with words, for my whole life. Right now I feel bad that I’m doing this I feel bad because it feels like I’m trying to wrestle the spotlight from med or Otaku or Cy or Tim or Zeph etc. But at the same time I can’t keep doing this, pushing down my feelings and pretending they don’t exist because I don’t want to cause trouble. My mood alternates from acceptable to hopelessness on a weekly basis. The smallest things send me down a spiral of self loathing and doubt. I would rather do nothing and gain nothing than try and fail because I know my brain will catch on the failure and use it as an excuse to do nothing. I don’t look for meaningful relationships because I don’t know what I want from it apart from companionship. Then there is the fact that I loath talking to people because I’ve spent so long walling myself off from the world. I develop attachment too easily and so I try to keep everyone at arms length. I never tell anyone my secrets yet when I want to talk I end up saying too much. I would talk to my parents about this but I don’t want to cause conflicts… see this is where it all starts. I never spoke about my feelings to avoid my parents from fighting. Now I’m a 24 year old man-child that doesn’t know what they want in their life. I would talk to my brother but I don’t want to burden him with my sins. I would talk to someone but I don’t have any friends nor do I trust the snake den known as my extended family. I have no one to talk to except here. I am not a strong person mentally or emotionally. Sorry for what may seem like whining just wanted to get this off my chest.

I moved this to rants because it didn’t really belong in the RP channel.

I know where you are coming from. I never talked about my feelings either, but really, the idea that you don’t want to burden someone with your sins - is that the case, or are you afraid that they might judge you, think less of you, or some such because of that you have to say?

As far as meaningful relationships go, you’d be surprised how little it matters what you want out of a relationship, just do what comes natural. Sometimes that is being clingy and getting attached too quickly. Sometimes it isn’t. Most of the time a relationship will find a groove to be in through some methodology. Not trying because you don’t want to lose anything is not helpful, it won’t solve anything. You describe yourself as a man-child, but what you really have to do then, is learn. The only way to do that is through experience. The only way to get that is through trying.

It hurts when things go bad, but how much hurt is it for you to never get out of this rut? And no one says you’ll fail if you try, failing is far better than never trying.

Just my two cents.

I can see where you are right, most of what you’ve told me my brother has said in one form or another. Especially now that he has been in a few relationships.

For the part about talking about my feelings it’s all of the above. Every time I talked to my parents about my feelings it caused more trouble more fighting so I shut up, every time I talked to someone else about my feelings they either used it against me, told me I was being a whiney or just stopped being my friend.

The thing is I’m at the point where just talking to someone is a monumental task. I’ve done such a good job of isolating myself. I know you are right and that I need to go out and try to make friends and relationships. But I’m a coward I don’t have the strength of will to do it.

You have to break the cycle. So you can’t talk to your parents. I can’t talk to mine either. Mine have told me to do things that I cannot bring myself to do, they have denied me and my at-the-time wife a bed to sleep in when we were going to be homeless. I am no stranger to not being able to talk about things to your parents.

I can talk to my sister though. Can you can talk to us here, that’s why communities exist. I even found I could talk to my exwife’s mother more than my own mother. She understood a lot of things better than I did, better than my mom did. It is just an issue that you’re trying to talk to the wrong people. It is hard when you can’t talk to your parents, it is very hard. But they are as human as anyone else, and they have flaws, fears, and problems the same as you and I. Sometimes they get in the way.

In the end, it is like running. The saying is true, if you run from your problems then you’ll be running your whole life. If you stay quiet because you’re afraid, you’re never going to open your mouth and if you don’t open your mouth you can’t grow. I say this from the heart, because I know how it is, I know how much harder it gets. Find your voice, doesn’t have to be your parents, but it should be someone. I’ve got 14 years on you. Don’t make my mistakes.

Thank you Cy, I will try.

I know you will, I wasn’t trying to be preachy, so if it came off that way I’m sorry. Let me know if there is anything I can do?

You didn’t sound preachy, but honestly for now I need to get proactive in my life

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