Nothing Inside -- Why I haven't been around

For starters, I just want to say I’m sorry I haven’t been around much.

I’ve spent most of this year so far trying to figure out what death means. I’m not sure I will ever understand. Seems like lately death has been everywhere and I’m crying all the time. I get through work and I get through friends and pet my dog and all of that. Inside I’m broken. I’ve been broken for a very long time. I was broken before Jen left me, I was broken before her mother died. I was broken a very long time ago, longer ago than I can remember now.

I wish it was less confusing, but so far that isn’t in the cards for me. I’m not sure it is in the cards for anyone. Her being dead takes me right back to her mother’s death, somehow. I missed Jo Anne a lot and right now almost all of her most precious belongings that carried the most memories for her are with someone else. Ryan means well and they are part of his life too but he didn’t know her.

All of this is a tangle, I can’t get through a TV show talking about death at all or even loss at all without breaking down into tears. So I cry and I weep and tell the sky that I miss her and hope that somehow whatever might or might not be left of her in this world knows how deeply I care. I didn’t really want my feelings for her to run this deep. It’s like they took root and it’s like I can feel them slowly dying and part of me is dying with them. I have a girlfriend and I love her and she really is quite wonderful. Nothing compares though to what I felt for Jen, I hope that someday it will, that someday I will feel that kind of connection again. Right now I doubt it, but I’m too old to think that it can’t happen.

Some part of me is gone though. Some part of me died when I went up and told Jen goodbye for the last time. I hadn’t even figured out who I was after being married yet and now I have to figure out who I am now that Jen is gone. I’m closeted away from everyone today, I put myself into my little box of an apartment with my dog and I’ve spent most of today crying and being miserable. That is the least she deserves, I talk a lot about how she was not nice to me at times. I talk a lot about the shit I went through and what is even harder to talk about is how bad of a husband I was. Sure I was devoted but I also didn’t know … a lot of things. I was insecure, I kind of expected her to keep me up. End of the day I think I made myself just as miserable as she made me.

I miss her so much. I can say that a million, billion, trillion times. I can say that every second of every day and it will not equal to how it feels. Perhaps it is because I spent so much time trying to keep her alive, trips to the hospital, fighting with her to eat, arguing with her to do things that were right for her. I spent so much time keeping Jo Anne alive and she died. I spent so much time keeping Jen alive and she died. I don’t feel like a failure in the traditional sense of having failed at something. Neither instance was my direct fault. I just feel stupid for trying so hard to fight against nature, the inevitable fight. I fought time itself and I lost twice. Someday I will lose again when my own body fails.

I just wish I could understand what death is. Why was Jen made to suffer so much, why couldn’t she have caught a break?

I have to go back to California for writing bad checks to buy food. In some places there are legends of great heroes who stole a loaf of bread to feed their families. Not for us though, not for me. I’m a criminal. I should have gone back to my parents and left Jen to fend for herself, that would have been legal. Instead I very well might go to jail for my trouble. I did what was right though, I took care of my family even though it was a crime. And now the last person who understands, who really understand what I did and why I did it… The last person who called me a hero for it, the last person on the face of this Earth who really knew what I sacrificed of myself to care for those two people is gone. Part of me left with her and I’m sad.

I’m sad and I’m broken.

So that’s why I haven’t been around.

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