The only earthly certainty is oblivion, mark twain said that and with good reason. Death is the only land from which no traveler returns for no traveler can return. If we are our own timeline then death is the cessation of that timeline. A friend of mine that is my same age is staring death in the face through no conscious decision anyone made. Not only am i sad but mortified. Once again the specter of death flaunts itself in front of me and i am afraid. I am afraid of dying I won’t deny it. I know what lies beyond death, nothing, ceaseless oblivion stretching out from now until time has become meaningless. To me that is a fate better than hell yet at the same time my Id screams that it is worse than eternal damnation. I find it cruel that i am so worried about dying yet i still mostly young. The worst torture is that i do nothing about it because in the end it doesn’t motivate me to. If nothing will last forever why try, why even be hedonistic? there is no point in it. I feel so depressed not just at the cruelty inflicted upon my friend but i feel impotent that i cannot do anything. I feel so useless that i am not even trying to help myself. I hate myself but cannot bring myself to do it ever, my fear overshadows it. That is my true roadblock, my fear of the world. I am a child afraid of everything to the point were i cannot do anything frozen in terror. I cannot live for myself and at this point i am just doing things on instinct. I don’t know what to think anymore, no delusions will ever topple my fear, my sorrow.
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