So really this is me fucking up. A few days after I made my last rant I was motivated and I started actually trying. I started to throw away my really old and torn clothes, I started to make myself look presentable everyday, I organized my stuff, I started to draw again and lastly I started to make an effort to look for someone.
Then I slipped back to my old habits. I just gave up again and I’m not even drawing anymore. I feel like shit honestly. I feel like a robot just going through the motions until the end of the day. To make this worse my parents, as I mentioned in chat, are starting to improve themselves. They are slowly changing for the better and I feel increasingly left behind. I feel at this point like I just can’t anymore. I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy honestly.
This leads me to what my mother suggested. She wants me to go to therapy to try to work out my problems. I am nervous because I am not sure I should. I have this idea in my head that the therapist will tell me that I have nothing wrong with me and I should stop making excuses. However I have harmed myself and still do whenever I am alone and angry. At this point I just don’t feel like doing anything beyond my set routine. I guess that would be my question, should I go to a therapist?
((Something I have found is that I tend to hide my emotions whenever I am in the presence of anyone. I have had this problem or something similar since I was 7. This is a big part of why it’s so hard to share my feelings.))